The dilemma My parents have been married for 31 years. In February, my father told us that my mother has been having an affair – mostly not a sexual relationship, but an extremely close friendship with her work colleague – for over five years. Having found love letters addressed to her, he said they were going to try to work things out. I know they both said and did things that reflect badly on each of them, but that hasn’t really bothered me. What has really upset me is that my mother just left, refusing to tell any of us where she’d gone. Worse, she now seems to be trying to hold Dad responsible for all the issues in the marriage. She has accused him of ruining our relationship with her because he has been very open about trying to move on. But she’s been distant, angry and, frankly, unpleasant, since we found out. I guess the question I have is: how do you talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk? And is it really our job to save a relationship our mother doesn’t seem to want any more?
Mariella replies It’s a tough one. Mediating between your parents is not an enviable position to be in, particularly when at least one of them isn’t interested in making up. Taking sides in any separation is best avoided and never more so than when the divided lovers are the people who made you. It’s hard to watch those we love tear each other apart, and the emotional complications are even more challenging when augmented by the deeply held desire in every child for the union that created them to prove an enduring one.
Your reluctance to see them separate and your desire to minimise the damage is apparent, reading between the lines. But what, for example, is “mostly not a sexual relationship”? Does it mean they’re a union of cool minds that occasionally becomes overheated, or that their interest in each other is platonic with sex an unwelcome but occasional intruder? Where there’s an outside romantic interest there is usually an affair, no matter how much the participants try to downplay and revise it. Your father seems to be relying on your protective sensibilities to keep his daughters on his side.
There’s no telling why your mother did a moonlight flit (I’m presuming it’s not down to the serious issues of safety that domestic abuse sufferers would be concerned with), but it suggests she doesn’t want to be found – or convinced to rethink her decision. That could be because she’s unreasonable, but there’s also the possibility that she’s thought long and hard about whether to make this move. If it’s been brewing for a long time, it would also explain why she’s opted for such an emphatic break without leaving doors ajar for reconciliation.
I’m groping in the dark a bit here, as you offer me little by way of information about their previous relationship, but my feeling is your mother’s decision to depart is the end of a long road, rather than the beginning of a negotiation. Your version and your parents’ version of their relationship are likely to be very different and this might be a moment for listening instead of judging. Your mother may be behaving in a way you don’t recognise or approve of, but I’m sure she’ll have reasons for her actions that make sense to her if not to those around her.
The mystery of the dynamic between two people in a long-term relationship is as intriguing as it is indecipherable. There are so many intimate moments we aren’t privy to and generally it’s what happens “off stage” that’s essential to understanding the complexity that makes every union unique. Couples tend to show their children one face and each other another, so you’re the least likely person to have access to the full picture, no matter how observant you’ve been or committed you now are to facilitating reconciliation.
The most important aspect of all this from my point of view is you. The simple response to your question – aside from recommending you refuse to take sides, be open to surprise revelations from both parties and maintain an open mind – is that this is not your mess to clear up. You may feel sorry for your dad and frustrated by your mother but they, like you, are adults, and if all that lay between them was a hairline fracture that could easily be disguised, I doubt things would have gone this far.
If your father is open to moving on then take advantage of that and try to help him along that path. As for your mum, she may be debilitated by her sense of guilt, having been revealed as an adulterer and precipitating the end of her marriage. I’m sure she, too, could do with a non-judgmental ear. There isn’t always a villain, and looking for one can be a distraction. A three-decade-long marriage is a success story in itself and, if it has to end, how much better to celebrate the triumphs and struggles involved, rather than dig through the dying embers trying to find evidence of arson.
Your best response, if you can summon the wherewithal, is to offer empathy to both parents and the understanding that sometimes, despite our best efforts to be better than the sum of our parts, we are all just human after all.
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